Leaving

I am sitting at the same airport café I have sat at tens of times before. I’m looking at different kinds of people walking by to get to their gates - some walk with excitement and hope, some have carry-ons with anxiety and stress, maybe regarding the work trip they’re taking, and some lean on their partner’s shoulder for comfort, warmth, and shelter.

For a while I just sat here perceiving, trying to figure out what’s the destination and purpose of traveling, and what are the current feelings and thoughts of each person. As I take one extra deep breath while listening to the announcements echoing in the hallway and seeing gates opening and closing for boarding on the screen, with the most interesting destinations listed one after another, I’m trying to figure out what I am feeling - what’s my purpose of going.

I was supposed to be boarding a flight already a month ago, but life got in the way, as well as my feelings and intuition – it didn’t feel right to go just yet. So, I didn’t. Instead, I spent such an amazing month more at home in Finland surrounded by family, friends, clean fresh air, and so much love.

Even though my time was mostly happy, there are no rainbows without rain. And during my time in Finland, it rained A LOT. I’ve been calling Barcelona just a temporary home if home at all, but it still is where my life has been for almost a year now. And that is huge! That’s the most time I’ve ever spent abroad in my life.

Despite the fact that I haven’t settled down there, I’m still creating my bubble of friends and hobbies, but I do have a certain routine for living, and while I’ve been away it feels a little bit like I’ve taken a break off from life – only the time is moving forward, and I am staying still. This is both a good and a bad thing! The good thing is that I have been able to focus on the moment and enjoy every second as it comes. The bad thing is that when one is detached in time it can cause a lot of anxiety as well. It did that to me.

To conclude my thoughts, I’ll share a thought I’ve had for a while now: the best and the worst thing about leaving – is leaving.

Everyone who lives far away from where they come from and where some of their loved ones are know how it is to always leave and then maybe come back. It’s not easy when you have roots down in the deep, and it means you’ll be growing a little sideways because of that. But these people also know it’s worth it too. Life is meant for living, not simply existing. And we must live on our own terms in order to feel content, happy, and like we belong.

Since I was a kid, I knew I didn’t belong to my home country, and it even hurts me a little to say that out loud. My home country (Finland) is truly one of the most amazing places, and yet I don’t see myself living there. While I carry Finland in my heart and my soul yearns for the atmosphere, I know there is a place out there in the world that will mean at least as much, if not more to me. But life is unpredictable and I, on the other hand, am open-minded which means that I will never completely block out the idea of moving back home.

As I am now writing this paragraph in the airplane flying above the clouds with the smell of airplane coffee waiting to be served, and the perfume of a stranger sitting next to me, I am feeling happy about going back to Barcelona.

I am happy about all the adventures that await me there, meeting again with the people that have become dear to me, and returning to my “normal” rhythm of life. At the same time, my heart aches for leaving behind my beloved home country, fresh air, calm cities, family, and friends of many years.

The price of going – is always heartache. And it’s that kind of ache that doesn’t really heal, but is replaced with something else from the place that I’m headed to, with something from the lovely people I get to meet and learn from, and with all the unforgettable experiences that light up my soul, bring tears to my eyes or a smile to my face.

We exchange pieces of our hearts, parts of our souls with everyone, everything, and every place we have ever loved.

-Stiina

With love, Stiina