How did you feel when you made a mistake at some point in your life? Embarrassed? Scared? Angry and annoyed? Maybe even a bit confused?

As humans, we are prone to errors. In fact, we are all so flawed that if someone was to try and describe a perfect human it might not even be possible for them to describe, because such a thing as a “perfect human” doesn’t exist. Well, at least if that person is truly living - and not only existing. We often tend to hide our mistakes from others, and mostly for good reasons.

In the age of social media, the lives of others easily seem picture-perfect impacting us in negative ways: creating pressure, false reality, and exhaustion.

Now, you’re about to read a prettyyyy personal blog post that puts me in a vulnerable position. And to be honest, I can’t believe I’m actually writing the things I’m about to write, posting it all online… As you probably know, sometimes there’s nothing more uncomfortable than admitting your mistakes and flaws. And while writing this makes me anxious, it also feels strangely comfortable. Because after all, the only person that can judge me - is myself. And I know my intentions in writing this are good: maybe, just MAYBE I can help ease someone’s mind of feeling like a failure, and take off some of the pressure you may be carrying on your shoulders (that was placed there by the society, your close circle, or yourself).

I hope reading this post will give you perspective on your life and the challenges you may be facing. Perhaps it will even prevent you from making similar mistakes as I have made.

So here they are, some of my biggest mistakes in no particular order (and there will be a few plot twists as usual).

1) Letting someone go.

We all meet many people during our lives, and I personally believe that we learn something from each one. If not about life or the world, then about other people or ourselves. And each time these learnings are unmeasurably valuable – no matter whether the experience with the person ended on a negative or positive note.

We meet people who stay in our lives forever but we also meet those who are meant to stay with us only for a certain, “predetermined” time. Then there are people who “could’ve been” if the universe had been more benign, and/or we wouldn’t have been so foolish.

Just like many stories start with a girl meeting a boy, so does this. A boy who, in a short period of time, became indescribably meaningful to me. So meaningful that I was certain that this is it - this is my person. From the first moment of meeting with him, it seemed like a part of my soul had been missing and then been found. This person made me feel at home in every moment; safe, and able to be myself. He brought out the best in me, even traits I never knew existed. He spoke to my soul on so many levels that it felt like I had been duplicated into another person who simply was the better version of me, and so would help me become the best version of myself.

I had never experienced that kind of a connection when you can spend hours looking into each other’s eyes, not even talking but feeling like you’re still having a conversation within your minds and hearts. The best part was that the feeling seemed to be mutual and we were both stunned by it, and neither of us could put it into words.

But it’s how they say that everything good comes to an end. The rapid development of feelings combined with the unfortunate timing (and the lack of time) made me refrain from expressing how I truly felt. I was scared and too proud to do so, even tho’ I later understood that the other person was clearly trying to communicate the same, only to be ignored and passed through me. 

I firmly believe that any obstacle between two people can be overcome if there’s enough mutual willpower to make things work. In the end, maybe it wasn’t all my mistake and maybe the other person didn’t feel as I thought they did. Therefore thinking about how I made a mistake by not swallowing my pride and fear means nothing if it wouldn’t have changed anything from his side. But that’s something I’ll never know because I didn’t speak honestly about how I felt, and all I’m left with is the thought of “what if…” — my worst fear in life, one even worse than any of my other fears.

I had written a piece of “poetry” a year prior to meeting him, and as I spent time with this boy I felt exactly what I had written, even though at the time of writing the piece it was simply just a thought - a dream curated by my mind and heart. Here’s what I wrote:

I often think of the one whose eyes drown me, whose exhale becomes my inhale, and who as well, feasts on my soul with every single gaze of his. It's not something I'd ever seek, as it is something I wish to find. But haven't yet. 

The plot twist of this story is that I still feel what I felt back then (let’s say 0,5-2 years ago). But even tho’ it hurts to think about it, I try to overcome the memory by realizing it as what it was: one of those beautiful, short, yet valuable predetermined connections between two people. Maybe we need time apart to experience life our separate ways or maybe it simply wasn’t meant for us to end up together no matter what choices we made.

Or maybe our paths will cross again later, either bringing us together or making us just pass each other by on the street acting like strangers.

2) Not letting someone go (sooner).

As a complete opposite to the previous mistake, to my embarrassment, this next mistake has repeated itself more than once. But I don’t think I’m the only one guilty of doing so. From the days of being young and stupid to the days of being a little bit older, wiser - yet still stupid. Luckily, I feel like these days have almost entirely passed me as a result of self-reflection, personal growth, and life experience.

Have you ever been friendly or romantically involved with someone who ended up not being good to you at all? To the point of it making zero sense for you to feel like you need them or want them in your life. People, who instead of complimenting/completing your life and making you and your life better, only cause anxiety, issues, and insecurity? Yup, been there done that.

Making this mistake is a question of deeper and more complex issues. And until doing some self-reflection it is almost impossible to address why we make this mistake as much as we do. Most often, it has something to do with our own demons, insecurities, traumas, and ego. We attach to things, people, and memories for certain reasons and it is up to you to figure your own reasons out. It can be challenging and scary, but 100% worth it - I promise!

The good thing is that luckily this mistake (usually) doesn’t kill ya, but gives you lessons that hopefully stick with you to avoid making the mistake again later.

In this particular case that I’m thinking, I made myself vulnerable with the person who wasn’t ready to do the same with me. By that, I mean that they weren’t ready to do it at all, OR simply they didn’t want to do it with me. At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter. But I do wish for the sake of my poor heart I would’ve realized it sooner and not have wasted my time and energy to be shattered in pieces when what I deserved was so much more. But it is difficult to let go of someone your heart and mind are attached to. I did though, hopefully you did too 🙏🏼

3) Not moving out of my hometown sooner.

I still can’t believe this thing is on my list, as it has been apparent to me since I was a kid that I wanted to live abroad, let alone not live close to where I come from. The story of staying instead of leaving is quite simple: I fell in love. I also didn’t quite know what I wanted to do in life, so I figured it wasn’t worth risking love and an amazing person for something else I wasn’t even sure I wanted.

But I sometimes wonder how different my life might be if I had left my hometown when I originally wanted to and meant to. I perceive this as a mistake because I have often felt like it took valuable years out from exploring the world and growing at a faster pace — and in the end it turned out that leaving was exactly what I wanted.

The funny “twist” about mistakes though, is that we can’t safely say whether something was really a mistake or not. Because we can’t know what would have happened if we didn’t make it. The course of life is sensitive, delicate; we can never fully understand the impacts of having made another choice. Even mistakes can end up being the source of something good: you know the saying “Sometimes you don’t get what you want to, because something better is coming/you deserve more”. It’s important to understand that mistakes and success yield from the same source: the choices we make, and many times it’s not even a matter of our actions whether something becomes a success or a failure, it’s not necessarily in our hands.

4) Not starting to invest money sooner.

I wasn’t raised in a rich household, nor was I really taught the correct kind of use of money. “Investing” would’ve meant something like buying that new bike for me to use on school trips, or stashing some money under the mattress. Figuratively speaking of course (I ain’t got any money under my mattress, god I only wish).

Unfortunately, when I was younger, investing money wasn’t as easy as it is today, and there weren’t many places to learn about it. Schools only ever mentioned the words “investment” and “stocks”, but no one ever told me what exactly should be done. I also wasn’t interested enough to find it out on my own.

As I started making my own money (not a lot though) at the age of 16 and for many years to come, I wish I had invested more instead of spending as much back then. It would’ve been so easy to do so as I was still living at home and had low living expenses.

My take on money is that it will come back - but this day, time, and experiences won’t. And while I’ve learned to use money better in the past few years, I still regret the fact that I didn’t learn that skill earlier — I can’t stop thinking about “where I might be now” if I had. But it was my mistake of not starting to invest money for the future a bit sooner.

5) Getting a little too drunk and trusting people I shouldn’t have trusted that one night.

Out of everything I’ve done wrong, out of all my mistakes - this is the worst one. And there is no justifying it, as well as there are no silver linings on this cloud. The most annoying thing about this mistake is that it wasn’t really my mistake. I just happened to make myself prone to such a mistake taking place.

Not everyone, but many of us make bad judgments and calculative errors as teenagers (and even later). I too had my share of testing out my boundaries back then and while there are many good memories that involve partying and drinking throughout my life, there are bad ones, too. This is also partially the reason why I no longer drink alcohol to the point of intoxication.

This particular time is kind of just like the others in the bunch, but with a few “minor” details making it, not only my worst drinking story but my worst mistake ever. Partially because, as stated above, it wasn’t my mistake, yet I have to live with the consequences of it.

It was a basic night of chilling with friends. A night that turned into a spontaneous adventure; into drinking, and eventually, a party. It was a night of freedom, excitement, and enjoying the company of fun people: exactly what I always thought youth should be. And it could’ve been all that except for that “one” drop too much – fun disappearing, and everything going dark until the next morning (and forever to be frank because my memory has a black hole in the spot where the rest of the night took place). And while all I saw was black and blur, something happened.

It was the kind of feeling that too many women on this planet are unfortunate enough to face, deal with, and live with. When something irreversible happens that was not in their control, not with their consent. After denial, that was the feeling I had. And still carry with me. As said, there is no silver lining in this story. I solely learned not to trust people blindly even though I think I am safe with them. And of course, not to ever drink as much again or leave any other woman in a similar danger.

What happened was a mistake, a mistake of my own preparation but not my own making. It’s one of those things that absolutely isn’t alright, and should never happen to anybody. I want to emphasize that I don’t think anyone (men or women) should ever drink to that point where everything around them gets blurry and they put themselves in danger, not only in that moment but risking their overall health.

However, I think everyone should be able to have fun without needing to deal with the fear of things like this happening, or live on with the scar of what did happen. And if something like this has happened to you, I want you to know and understand something that took years for me: it. is. not. your. fault.

While I’m no longer hiding from this experience, it’s something I don’t share with just anybody, yet I’m now sharing it with all of you - with all of the world if, you will. I’m not looking for sympathy, I will not accept judgment, hate, or disapproval - I’m merely sharing it to help others understand that these things happen, and as a victim of such we are never the ones to be ashamed of it. We are the ones who should stand tall knowing we survived an unpleasant experience of this kind.

What about these mistakes, hmm - what’s the conclusion?

These mistakes (and plenty of others, trust me I have made quite a few of them) are something that I deeply regret for one reason or another. But to be fair, can we ever truly know whether something we did or didn’t was a mistake or not?

As an example, most of the mistakes I mentioned above have been of the sort that making another choice could potentially have changed to whole course of my life. Who knows if I’d be here writing this post to you if I had chosen to move away from my hometown sooner, and who knows if I would even be happy with the person I ended up with because I chose not to let them go?

What I want to make sure you go home with from this post, is that don’t put too much pressure on yourself, and definitely don’t torture your mind to the ground from making a mistake or failing. Maybe, and probably, things worked out exactly as they were supposed to.

This is also something I try to remind myself of every single day.

Another thing worth mentioning is that most of my biggest mistakes start with “not”. So which ones truly are the biggest mistakes we make in life? The things we do — or the things we leave undone for various reasons we think are good enough?

Go live that life you beautiful soul, you deserve it — this is YOUR plot in the making!

With love, Stiina